After the Affair: Dos and Don'ts #5

DON'T Talk About the Affair All Day & Night

---

Talking About The Affair Shouldn't Be A Full-Time Job

I know. I know. This one feels impossible.

When the affair came to light, I couldn’t stop talking about it. It was like my brain got hijacked and the only way to feel even a sliver of peace was to ask another question. And then another. And then ten more.

How many times did they have sex? Where did they go? Did he think about me at all? Was he lying when he said he loved me? Was he still lying?

If he didn’t want to talk about it—or worse, if he got defensive—I’d spiral. My anxiety would explode. I’d convince myself he was hiding something else. That there was another affair. That I was being played again.

And listen, I’m not judging you if you’re in that place right now. I was that place.

Why It Feels Like You Have to Talk About It

Talking about the affair feels like control. It feels like clarity. It feels like the only thing keeping you from drowning.

Your nervous system is in full-blown crisis mode. You’re scanning for danger, trying to make sense of the betrayal, desperate for reassurance. And every answer feels like a lifeline.

But here’s the gut-punch truth: It’s not sustainable. Not if your goal is to heal your marriage. Not if you want to breathe again.

The Day My Therapist Called Me Out

Our therapist finally said it:

“Talking about the affair day in and day out is not sustainable.”

I hated that she said it. I hated that she was right.

Because even though I needed to talk about it, I also needed to sleep. To eat. To function. To stop interrogating my husband every time he walked into a room.

So Then...When Do We Talk About It?

We had to set boundaries. Not rigid rules—because triggers don’t care about your calendar—but loose, compassionate guardrails.

Like:

• Not bringing up the affair while he’s walking out the door for work.

• Choosing a time when we’re both regulated and emotionally available.

• Agreeing on how to pause a conversation if one of us gets flooded.

It wasn’t perfect. I still got triggered. I still broke the boundaries sometimes. But it gave us a framework. A way to protect our nervous systems and our connection.

You Can’t Heal If You’re Always Bleeding

Talking about the affair is important. But so is how and when you talk about it.

You deserve answers. You deserve honesty. But you also deserve peace. And peace doesn’t come from constant interrogation—it comes from intentional, supported conversations that honor both partners’ capacity.

So yeah, I’m going to tell you the same thing my therapist told me—except with a little more love and a lot more lived experience: Talking about the affair 24/7 might feel like it's helping you survive, but it’s not healing.

It’s not wrong to want answers.

It’s not wrong to feel triggered.

But if you want to rebuild something real, you’ve got to protect the space where connection can grow.

You’re not crazy. You’re not too much. You’re just hurting. And healing asks for more than interrogation—it asks for courage, boundaries, and a whole lot of grace.

The struggle is real. But so is your strength.

From my messy heart to yours,