After the Affair: Dos and Don'ts #4

DO Work on Your Own Healing

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Real Talk

If you want to grow together and heal your marriage, you’ve got to look inward and do your own healing work. And let me be real with you—it sucks. I promise it does.

It sucks because it’s uncomfortable. Because it feels almost impossible to be vulnerable with the person who pulled the heart out of your chest and left it bleeding on the floor. Vulnerability with that person? Yeah, no thanks.

But if you’re both willing to do the work—to save your marriage, to show up honestly, to rebuild from the rubble—being vulnerable with one another about your inner world (your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and all the messy stuff in between) becomes the most beautiful blessing. It becomes the foundation on which your marriage can actually thrive.

Therapist Truth Bomb

“You don’t want to give up, and you don’t want to leave your husband. You want the pain to go away. But the pain won’t go away on its own. You have to do the work to heal—whether you stay or go.”

When our therapist said that, I looked her dead in the eye and said, “You’re insane.” Because when you’re just trying to survive the next five minutes, it’s hard to imagine a future where you feel safe again—let alone connected.

But that’s why trusting the process matters.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Doing your own healing work means asking hard questions:

• What am I carrying that didn’t start with this relationship?

• How do I respond to emotional pain—and where did I learn that?

• What parts of me feel unsafe, unseen, or unworthy?

It means sitting with grief, rage, shame, and confusion. It means therapy, journaling, crying in the car, and maybe rage-cleaning your kitchen at 2am while blasting Alanis Morissette.

It’s not glamorous. It’s not linear. And it sure as hell isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.

Why It Matters

Because when you do your own healing work:

• You stop outsourcing your worth.

• You stop reacting from old wounds.

• You start showing up with clarity, compassion, and boundaries.

You become someone who can love deeply without abandoning yourself. And that changes everything.

If You're Still With Me...

So yes, affair recovery is about the relationship. But it’s also about you. Your healing matters. Your story matters. And you don’t have to do it perfectly—you just have to start.

From my messy heart to yours,